ENAM JAHANAM

2006-01-12T21:18:00.000-08:00

GOOD BYE. THIS BLOG IS DEAD. GO AWAY PLEASE.

My Interview With Ultraman

2005-10-26T07:23:00.000-07:00

Recently I met up with my idol Ultraman in Tokyo, Japan, the city he has saved many times over from evil, destructive monsters. We met at an intersection downtown, bought drinks from a vending machine and sat on the kerb for this interview.

Me: Konichiwa, Ultraman-san!
Ultraman: Apa khabar, Visiteur-san!

Me: Wow! Ultraman reti cakap bahasa?
Ultraman: Mesti lah, beb! Gua ada ramai peminat di seluruh dunia. Gua kena lah belajar macam-macam bahasa.

Me: Cool! So, what you been up to, dude?
Ultraman: A bit tired. Fought a monster last night in Fukushima prefecture. We fought until we reached the seaside in Hamadori. A lot of people died.

Me: The monster killed so many?
Ultraman: Actually, gua terjatuh and terhimpit diorang.

Me: Er, I see. Banyak lagi ke monster kat dunia ni?
Ultraman: Ada lah. Tapi diorang dah malas nak lawan. Dah ada agent and publicist. Merchandising rights. Suma lawan nak dapat market share je. Boring lah, beb!

Me: I see. So camne brader-brader lu? Ultraman Tiga, Ultraman Taro .. ?
Ultraman: They all OK. Tiga dah bersara. Sekarang dia bukak restoran sushi kat Shinjuku. Bini dia baru beranak.

Me: Wow!
Ultraman: Yeah. Bini dia makhluk Bumi. So at first, family gua bantah, sebab we all boleh kahwin ngan orang Planet Ultra je. But thank the Ultra-Gods, my father, Ultraman yang bertanduk tu, finally gave his blessings. Cucu dia tu bertanduk jugak, so happy lah dia.

Me: What about Taro?
Ultraman: Taro tengah buat multi-level marketing jual ubat untuk kuatkan tenaga batin.

Me: Eh, naper Ultraman suma tak nak jadi superhero lagi?
Ultraman: Tu lah. Nowadays terlalu ramai superhero. Gaban lah, Power Ranger lah, ni lah, tu la. Yang paling teruk si Baja Hitam tu lah. Lawan cam pondan tapi marketing power dia kuat. Sebab tu boleh jadi popular. I always say, never trust superhero yang bawak motosikal, superhero yang pakai topeng pelik-pelik. We all Ultramen don't need all that cosmetic shit.

Me: Wow, marahnya Ultraman.
Ultraman: Siapa tak marah? Bagero! Superhero ciplak ni suma tak original lah. And they all no integrity or morals. Last week, I dengar Gaban kena tangkap ngan gadis bawah umur. You see?

Me: Man, that is sad.
Ultraman: Tu lah. That's why kalau tak Ultra, memang tak world lah.

Me: Wuhu! Lu peminat Mawi ke?
Ultraman: Adalah sikit-sikit.

Me: So, Ultraman, what'syour future plan? You going to give up being a superhero too?
Ultraman: No way. I love my job too much. But my girlfriend complains that I work such long hours. And when I come home at night, I'm always tired and my chest light is always beeping.

Me: Woooo! Sounds like you might need some of that ubat from your brader Taro.
Ultraman: Good idea! I better give him a call tonight.

At this point, Ultraman receives a distress call from Yokohama, where a monster is attacking the train station. So off he went, into the blue yonder, to fight yet another worthy adversary. World!

Night Market

2005-10-25T10:20:00.000-07:00

I seldom go to Pasar Malam especially the one near my place. It all because of this terrible incident, which made me, vowed not to go to the Pasar Malam without wearing my contact lenses.

I was strolling along while trying to decide what to buy. Then my eyes caught this seller who was selling prawns. The deal was not bad either so I stopped by to have a better look at the prawns.

Alas, it felt awkward a bit since I was the only person who stopped by at the stall. I started to choose the prawns when suddenly I heard something. I heard a croaking sound, which sounded so distant at first but became clearer by the moment. As I was not wearing my contacts at that time I thought it might be a frog which got lost while it was on the way back from hanging out in the drain nearby.

Tidakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk! Ngeri dol! Next to the stall was a man selling fresh frogs with the size of kitten. On the wooden box there were two small cages full of frogs. The man looked at me as if it was normal to skin the frogs right in front of the public. From that day onwards, I always wear my contacts.

Sekianlah cerita saya.

DUA JAHANAM KENA BUANG KERJA

2005-10-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

OK, here's the deal. We've been getting very positive responses about this blog, and I want to continue with it.

But two of the contributors are so damn lazy that I'm going to terajang them right out of here, because they are making the rest of us lazy too! Haha!

I won't name them just yet, because maybe after reading this, they might buck up.

But Lucy Fur, although no longer with us (no, he's still alive, just in another country!), will remain on the list of contributors because he is irreplaceable! We honour him by giving him a Special Lifetime Non-active Honorary Membership.

The rest of you, GET BACK TO WORK!!!

GAYAT SIOT!

2005-10-12T05:12:00.000-07:00

Tadi aku pergi recce. Kitorang kena pergi cari rooftop untuk 'orang commit suicide.' Ada satu scene dalam TVC yang kitorang akan buat memerlukan talent meniti bumbung bangunan. Tadi pagi aku ngan Asst Director, Director of Photography & Location Master pergi ke Central Plaza kat Jln Sultan Ismail. Kitorang pergi ambik gambar rooftop dia. Kat roof top tu ada satu swimming pool. Dulu aku pernah buat satu TVC hair product untuk Thailand. Ada scene mandi kat swimming pool kat rooftop ni. Masa buat TVC tu "Memang tak tahan!"

Location yang kita nak guna ni berada di tingkat 30 bangunan Central Plaza. Gayat segayat-gayatnya.. Sampai je kat groundfloor, terus gue.... “Land!!!!” Nak ambik gambar tu memang rasa gayat. Aku berdiri at the edge, salah langkah akan terasa macam "One small step for a man but one giant leep for mankind" LOL.

Yang peliknya swimming pool tu takde pon orang guna. Guna pon masa orang sewa untuk shoot. Kalau korang teringin nak swimming bogel, boleh lah sewa tempat tu. Tapi berjagalah, ada Peeping Tom kat bangunan sebelah.

INSURANS & MLM

2005-10-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

Perkara yang paling aku meluat nak dengar ialah apabila kawan aku datang nak bersyarah tentang insurans, MLM dan benda-benda yang sewaktu dengannya. Dah ada 1 atau 2 polisi dah cukup lah. Ini diorang datang nak jual lagi. Macam-macam skim insuran yang diorang ada. Kononnya ini untuk kepentingan aku. Memanglah tak dapat dinafikan ia memang untuk kepentingan aku. Tapi aku sakit nak membayar premium tiap-tiap bulan bukan diorang nak ambil tahu. Sekarang ni diorang nak jual Islamic Investment Fund (lebih kurang macam tu lah bunyinya). Aku dah tak larat nak cakap pasal Fund, Fun and Chee Cheong Fan.

Satu cara je nak buat diorang senyap..... Aku keluarkan segala macam ilmu ekonomi yang aku belajar dulu dan juga TEORI UBI KAYU aku. Teori Ubi Kayu telah menyelamatkan aku daripada percikan air liur diorang. Sebelum diorang keluarkan hujah insurans/investment diorang, aku akan keluarkan Teori Ubi Kayu. Teori Ubi Kayu ialah mengenai investment. Ini apa yang aku terangkan kat diorang...... Aku ada sebatang ‘batang ubi kayu’ (minus the ubi kayu) sepanjang 50cm. The batang ubi kayu OK! Not batang lain. Aku tanam batang tu. Its like an investment. Lepas 30 hari batang tu semakin meninggi. Itu menandakan return of investment. So, aku patahkan batang tu kepada 4 bahagian dan tanam keempat-empat bahagian tu. Dan aku repeat perkara yang sama bila aku nampak batang tu semakin meninggi. Seperti itu juga aku buat dengan investment aku kat..... share market, comodity market, flea market, pajak gadai, 4D, ASB dan investment-investment lain yang sewaktu dengannya. 4D pon kira investment jugak (ini investment mazhab lain, tak dijamin oleh Lever Brothers).

So...apa kata korang ambik tutorial about investment daripada aku. So that whenever your kawan lama tetiba talipon, you know how to kelentong them. Sebenarnya aku ada bermacam-macam teori. Ada Teori Buah Cempedak (based on pantun Buah Cempedak Di Luar Pagar...), Teori Anak Ayam, Teori Tahi Kelawar (the only binatang yang bila berak, kepala mesti kat bawah. Its about taking the greatest risk but avoid getting caught. Hey! Berak with the kepala kat bawah is the greatest risk tau. Ada berani?) dan macam-macam teori lagi.

Another species is the MLM kind. They gave us an impression that every Tom, Dick and Hairy can be as successful as their ‘mentor’. Kalau semua orang boleh jadi macam tu, dunia ni akan menjadi satu tempat yang paling boring sekali. Aku rasa macam nak Pergi Jahanam kat Planet Blutoh. Imagine kalau semua orang buat MLM..... mana-mana kita pergi ada saja MLM. Kat roundabout pon ada orang bikin MLM, bisnes nasi goreng pon ada unsur MLM. SKYM pon ada MLM. Exam SPM ada unsur MLM, lagi banyak downline, better chance u dapat 20A1. HAHAHA.....

Tak semua orang boleh buat MLM. Bila aku cakap macam tu, diorang tak percaya. Diorang akan cakap “Talking to you, immediately I know you can do it. Its easy, just open your mouth.” Aku tanya pulak kat diorang satu soalan cepumas... “Can you sing? Can you cut an album? Its easy what, just open your mouth.” Lepas tu terus diorang terdiam sejenak.

Kepada sesiapa yang nak jual insurans atau recommend MLM kat aku.... rentikanlah. Jangan buang masa dan air liur korang. Sebab Insurans dan MLM lah aku hilang kawan. Tak payah susah-susah nak promote kat aku atau guna retorik “Nak tolong kawan.” Kalau aku nak, aku akan cari korang. Aku tau korang tinggal kat mana. Kepada kengkawan yang promote polisi insurans dan MLM jangan ambik hati. Korang cuma mencari rezeki yang halal. Orang yang macam aku ni sebahagian daripada job hazard. Anyway, good luck.

I'M BACK!!!!

2005-10-07T06:26:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh.... Its nice to be back. Back with a vengeance. Since LV gave me a green light to write what I want..... So, no one can stop me now. Today I wanna talk about a blue film that I saw recently. Yes, you got it right. A BLUE FILM. The best blue film. Better than Into the Blue, Blue Lagoon, Blue Bird or even Blue Thunder. Its about Banyu Biru. I saw it at the recent Asia Pacific Film Festival.

Everyone have their own interpretation when it comes to ‘reading’ a film. And same goes with Banyu Biru. I think its a film about someone who’s looking for answers. Answers to lots of things. Answer to.... why does someone act in a certain manner, why someone do this, why someone do that etc. Like Banyu Biru, I think I gotta go back and have a Q & A session with my father. Banyak soalan yang perlu dia jawab. And for everyone who wonder why I’m so sadistic at times, so cold, so ‘stand off’ish’, so sombong, berlagak, so nice, so wonderful and so so.... The answer is out there, go ask my father.

Hanya satu perkara yang saya tak mampu buat..... iaitu ‘merajuk’. Pergi Jahanam lah lu LV. Merajuk konon. Takde masa aku nak merajuk. Itu hari cakap aku bebas tulis apa saja yang aku suka, alih-alih cakap itu tak boleh, ini tak boleh. Kalau nak sekat, lain kali jangan cakap “bebas tulis apa saja.” Dasar limp dictator tak sedar diri. Tak puas hati jom lah. Satu lawan satu, kita main Dam Haji. Mesti lu kalah, sebab lu tak boleh pergi Haji. KNN CCB. HAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Filim yg aku da tengok

2005-10-03T08:50:00.000-07:00

sepanjang minggu yg lalu aku asyik menonton wayang,yg kesemuanya adalah free.Ini semua adalah langkah penjimatan yg perlu di lakukan demi memastikan aku mempunyai duit yg mencukupi untuk membeli kasut raya.

Berikut adalah ulasan pilem2 yg telah aku tonton:

Salaam Namaste

Nie first time aku tengok cite indusetan kat wayang.Kalau mak aku tau,sah2 le dia gelak guling2 pastu buat terjun tiruk 80 kali depan umah aku. Cite dia boleh la takat nak layan,tak banyak lagu. Kalau buat perbandingan antara menengok cite nie ngan menengok Visitor dan Mute buat gelek 36o darjah,pastinya aku lebey rela tengok cite nie 7kali.Cam biaser cite indusetan tak logik,pastu banyak indian humours.Ada ke org tengah kalut nak gi keje,dorang leh nyanyi2 plak kat celah org ramai.Pastu org2 tu semua sempat gak menari2 sekali sebagai tanda sokongan kepada cinta dorg.Kalau le benda nie realiti kat Mesia aku tak tau le camne.Bayangkan le pepagi org semua kalut2 nak kejar LRT kat Masjid Jamek tetibe ada org menari2 kat situ.Pastinya ramai yg tensen tahap gaban kerana jalan sure jem giler coz semua org dala kete sebok nak menengok org menari dan menyanyi.Paling mengecewakan takde scene makan roti canai atau roti nan dalam cite nie.Kalau tak pasti watak Saif sebagai tukang masak akan lebey real dengan adanya scene dia buat roti canai atau masak mee mamak fave Mute.Aku bagi cite nie 2 bintang jek,tu pun sebab ada scene pasal food craving.Ye la kan,seswai ngan aku yg suka makan eskrem.

NecroMancer

Nie cite yg kedua aku nengok.Aku da sampai awal nak amik teket,pastu aku borak2 sakan sampai lupa nak beratur.Sib baik sedar daratan,kalau tak mau aku buat amukan syaitan coz tak dapat teket free.Cite nie simple jek,pasal nak balas dendam dan tamak haloba.Bak kata habri,org tamak selalu rugi.Camtu gak le ngan watak hero ensem yakni Sathi.Bila pikirkan,ekadang aku kesian gak cite Thailand nie.Korang sure pahamkan,kalau sebut Thai tu antara benda yg kita tepikir ye la barang2 cetak rompak yg dorg ada cam adibas dan poma.Bila hero tu pakai adidas dari ujung paler sampai le ke ujung kaki,aku ragu2 gak le keaslian brand dia hehehe.Ori ke bang?

Tp masa menonton cite nie banyak benda potong steam yg telah berlaku.Memula sekali ada org bawak anak kecik nengok cite antu yg 18SX nie.Tengah nak suspension jek ada sore budak nangis.Bikin panas jek!Kesian budak2 tu nanti trauma menengok scene lawan2 atas katil.Patutnya kerajaan galakkan panggung wayang buat kiddie's corner.Biar mak bapak tenang jek menonton wayang.Mak Bapak tenang,penonton lain pun senang.Da le tu tetibe jek cite dia out of focus.Projectionist leh tak sedo plak tu.Sib baik le aku tak buat scene cam cite janji joni.Paling aku hangin:penonton yg suka cakap2 kuat tentang apa yg baka berlaku di dalam scene seterusnya.Pergh!sib takde yg makan kasut aku malam tu.

Land of The Dead

Cite best yg telah di pancung secara tahap gaban sehinggakan mengganggu jalan cerita.Nasihat aku,tunggu jek DVD keluar.Simon Baker memang ensem abih.Paling tak tahan bila zombie start buat bbq.Best babeng!Kalau ada lemah jantung,lemah semangat or lemah tenaga batin sila jangan tonton.Tp kalau nak tonton gak lantak kowang le.

Ass Hunter!

2005-09-28T08:37:00.000-07:00

BEST DAMN GAME IN THE WORLD!

Try it. You won't regret it. Unless you fail to shoot one of the naked guys.

Click here.

Lu Jaga!

2005-09-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

Community Service Announcement

Berita penting..

general: kepada wanita-wanita yang berjalan kaki ke mana jua.. specifically:wanita yg menggunakan lrt pandan jaya dan pandan indah

berhati-hati dengan mamat yg naik moto kaler biru..jenis jangan tanya..aku bab nie tak terer ngat....plate:WMW 6272..penunggang dia pakai baju kaler kelabu cam uniform keje..mamat nie suka sangat la buat benda tak senonoh,ada ke dia raba bontot org yg tengah jenjalan nak gi keje?series bukan aku yg kene raba..tp belaku depan mata aku..

aku tepon balai polis pandan indah dan mintak dorg buat rondaan..kalau aku tak nampak kelibat bapak polisi,siap le aku buat amukan syaitan..

Kalau sesapa yg kenal or pernah nampak moto berno pendaftaran yg aku bg tu, inform aku ok?

mekasih..

WAHAI SEKALIAN YANG JAHANAM!!!

2005-09-19T07:58:00.000-07:00

Jangan pedulikan si Pergi Jahanam ni, walaupun dia merajuk macam bayi termakan steroid.

Sikit-sikit dah lah mengamuk tahap Gaban. Susahkan orang je. Lagi pun, rumah dah takde susu tepung. Nak bancuh apa?

Ada sesiapa yang ada idea macam mana nak pujuk si bayi steroid ni?

DENGAR SINI ORANG-ORANG KAMPUNG!!!

2005-09-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

Mulai dari hari ini. Pergi Jahanam akan pergi jahanam. Dalam erti kata yang lebih mudah, Pergi Jahanam akan berhenti menulis (macam lah tulisan die best sangat). Pergi Jahanam hanya lah manusia biasa. Adakalanya duka, adakalanya gembira dan adakalanya macam sial. Jadi kesemua emosi ini dilampirkan pada blog ini. Jadi apabila diberitahu apa yang perlu ditulis dan tidak boleh ditulis, maka adalah lebih baik kiranya Pergi Jahanam cease to exist. Ini adalah rumah Pergi Jahanam (yang ditumpangi dengan 5 rakan yang lain), kalau dah tak sependapat, blah lah! Buat apa duduk kat sini lagi? Pergi jadi anak gelandangan!

Bukan merajuk tapi malas nak layan kerenah orang. Lebih baik tarik diri.

Over and out..........

AKU MAMAK

2005-09-18T21:27:00.000-07:00

“The Malaysian Indian Muslim Congress (Kimma) passed a motion seeking the Government to give Malay status to Indian Muslims born in the country.”
The Star 19th September 2005

What’s going on here? The Mamaks wanna be Malays? I’m not trying to be a racist as I’m a mamak too. But how can that be? Apahal ni? Persamaan abadi yang wujud diantara kedua-dua kaum ini hanyalah agama. Yang lain adalah persamaan yang berkembang akibat daripada proses asimilasi budaya Melayu ke dalam cara hidup Mamak. Dan jangan anggap ini sebagai tiket untuk ‘masuk’ Melayu. Kalau mereka rasa sudah cukup Melayu untuk ‘masuk’ Melayu, saya rasa ada banyak perkara yang perlu dilebih Melayu kan untuk mereka masuk Melayu.

Sebagai Mamak saya rasa mereka perlu kekal sebagai Mamak. Saya tidak malu mengaku Mamak. Mamak adalah satu bangsa yang mampu menempuh sebarang cabaran. Tanpa sebarang ‘privileges’ mereka mampu ‘survive’ dan berjaya di bumi asing. Biarkan Melayu dengan dunia mereka. Tak perlu di Melayukan Mamak.

Sudah tertera didahi, yang saya ini Mamak. Tak boleh nak buang. Tiada yang lebih, tiada yang kurang. “Just live with it and make the most out of it.”

Saya sebagai Mamak sentiasa berada dalam dilema. Bagaimana hendak menggabungkan ikan pekasam dan nasi kandar dengan kari ikan? Tapi saya rasa tidak perlu digabungkan semua ini, just adapt. Balik Alor Setar saya makan nasi berlauk ikan pekasam. Balik Penang saya pekena Nasi Kandaq.

Apa tujuan permintaan ini? Adakah disebabkan oleh faktor politik atau ekonomi? Kalau dilihat dari aspek ekonomi rasanya tiada masalah besar. Mungkin ingin kuasa politik. Mungkin mereka ingin suara Mamak didengari terutamanya di Parlimen. Mungkin mereka ingin status bumiputera kot. Saya tak kisah. Ada bumiputera ke, takde bumiputera ke, kita semua kena kerja keras. Or is it keras, baru kerja?

Lepas ni kaum mana pulak yang nak ‘masuk’ Melayu? Tak akan Mamak hilang didunia.

LELAKI MALAYSIA TERAKHIR

2005-09-18T03:53:00.000-07:00

" Lihat perut ku, ramping bukan?"

Ini perut audioman gue. Audioman yang paling best kat Malaysia. Kalau jumpa pagi-pagi instead bagi salam atau selamat pagi, dia akan doakan ke sejahteraan anda dengan "Babi...." or "Burit kau...." or "Pukimak...." (isikan ayat seterusnya mengikut citarasa anda). Kalau ayat dia yang paling mild would be "Ni mesti nak memonteng....." or "Sial! makan gaji buta..." Tatabahasa dia memang power. Kalah pakar bahasa daripada DBP ataupun Shahnon Ahmad.

Walaupun tatabahasa dia mengalahkan sasterawan negara tapi dia mempunyai hati yang tulus. Walau setajam mana pun makiannya, dia sebenarnya tak lokek dengan tunjukkan ajar. Kalau rajin tanya, banyak yang diajarnya. Dia ni kira macam 'rebel mulut' kat ofis. Jenis yang tak insurans mulut. Actually gue banyak belajar perihal teknikal dari dia. Macam kat uni dulu pon gue banyak belajar pasal teknikal daripada technician schoo gue.

Dulu perut dia lagi besar. Rasa macam dia ternak cacing. Tapi sekarang makin kurus. Dia ada bagitau ubat apa yang dia makan tapi gue dah lupa. Kalau tak silap gue sehari dia telan 2 liter clorox kot. Memang clorox telah membantu mencuci isi perutnya tapi tidak membantu membersihkan tatabahasanya.

Apapun...uncle, lu memang best. Dia ni memang lelaki Malaysia terakhir. Gentleman, baik dan terrer dalam tatabahasa makian. Hidup Ungka! Oops! sorry. Hidup Uncle!

* one of his favourite line is "Lu pergi jahanamlah"

TAKDE ORANG LAIN KE NAK MENANG?

2005-09-17T21:41:00.000-07:00

Apahal ni? Sial lah! Sepet menang lagi.

Korang ni takde cerita lain kah nak pilih?
Takde filem lain kat Malaysia ni?
Apa, filem lain tak best ke?
Asyik-asyik Sepet!
Asyik-asyik Sepet!
Sampai aku naik fed up!
Boring lah!
Ingat cerita Sepet tu best sangat ke.
Korang patut dengar cakap Mansor Puteh. Sepet tu macam telemovie.
Tapi apasal Raja Azmi ngan Mansor Puteh tak komen apa-apa pun pasal kemenangan Sepet?
Tak kan aku sorang je nak complain.
Apa pun Pergi Jahanam lah.
Nanti gue nak tunggu Gubra keluar kat panggung. Muteaudio cakap best.
Kalau tak best gue nak belasah Muteaudio.

Sepagi di Pasar Pudu

2005-09-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

Though I’ve been living in KL for quite sometimes, I’ve never been to Pasar Pudu before. So today, with my 2 companions I went for my first time outing to Pasar Pudu. Our main purpose was to check out the aquarium price. My 2 companions were actually interested to have some fish as their pet.

To be honest with you guys, I was a bit jakun when I got there. Lotsa kodok and kekure (kesian betol keluarga aku) on sale oso. Very big you know. Maybe next year Mute could come out with the cooking contest tv programme that used kekure and kodok as the main ingredients.With my limited knowledge about veggies, fruits and fishes I had a great time amusing myself seeing the new things.

I almost killed a hamster. Yes! Almost! I went to one of the pet shop and I saw lots of small hamsters in a basin. Don’t ask me why they put hamsters in a basin. I started to caress one of it and it started to terkulai layu di tasik madu (got sleepy). Then this one crazy fellow started to attack my fingers. Aiyoh! Must be jeles la tu. Suddenly it bit my middle finger, ala you know la. The finger! I was upset and started to wiggle it so it’d let go of my finger. I didn’t know how but then I threw the hamster and it flew over to the post where they hang all the ikan laga. Desyum! It fell on the floor and passed out for a few seconds.

Then suddenly it moved. I tried to pick it up so I could put it back in the basin but it started to wrestle with my fingers. After trying for a few times, I gave up on doing so. Pergi Jahanam la ko! So I called up the shop assistant to rescue the hamster.

Sekianlah pengembaraan saya di Pasar Pudu.

Book Review

2005-09-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

:: War And Peace by Leo Tolstoy ::

First of all, this book is very heavy. Heavy siiioooottt!!! If you put it on your lap to read, your knees will jahanam. If you try to hold it up with your hands, your arms will jahanam. If you try to read it lying down with it on your chest, you will jahanam.

I'm talking about the hardcover edition, of course. Not the Pingu version (laaa, the Penguin version lah).

I would just like to say, War And Peace rocks my shower! It is like the best book I have ever read. It is about war ... and, er ... peace.

My father once told me, never try to fry fish when the sky is cloudy and there is thunder. My mother said don't wash your clothes when it is sunny, because it will rain when you want to hang them out to dry. And when it rains, then not only can you not dry your clothes, you also cannot fry fish.

There is nothing worse than being hungry in a wet shirt.

Benar Atau Palsu?

2005-09-12T09:39:00.000-07:00

Eh, betul ke awak ni pemandu yang berhemah dan berdisiplin?

Marilah Mari, Pergi Mengundi

2005-09-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

Hari ini, negara Jepun, yang telah memberi warga dunia berbagai "barang yang baik", seperti Doraemon, Godzilla, Istana Takeshi, dan budak perempuan berpakaian sekolah ala mini-skirt, sedang mengadakan pilihanraya.

Di sini ingin saya memberi sokongan kepada calon kesukaan saya, iaitu Crayon Shinchan.

"Vote for me, you bastards!!!"

Kekure pula ingin mengundi Gaban, calon favourite para warga planet Ultraman.

"Saya berjanji akan memerintah negara Jepun pada tahap Gaban!"

KAKI JAHANAM

2005-09-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

Lagi satu kaki jahanam.

Gambar-gambar Yang Tak Senonoh

2005-09-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

Kaki ku yang amat hodoh diperhatikan oleh Cartman dari South Park.

Akhirnya, mereka akan pindahkannya! SMS and vote for Nita!

NAK TAK?

2005-09-08T22:35:00.000-07:00

"Nak tak?"
"Mesti Nak Lah!"

Bo Do - a fusion martial art

2005-09-05T06:55:00.000-07:00

Was having lunch the other day with Adik Manis and The Visitor and our topic melencong about midwife. How an American couple requested to have a Chinese midwife. I mentioned about how the westerners worships anything ASIAN. From food, right up to pseudo medicine. And not forgetting martial arts. Unfortunately they didn’t try to imitate our ‘Method Driving’. If not surely I can cari makan over there by giving them some tuition in ‘Method Driving’. Just imagine someone marries Silat, Silambam, Kabbadi, Tae Kwan Do, Aikido, Karate Do, Judo and Kendo and call it Bo Do. And introduced it in America(remember, most East Asian martial arts must end with ‘Do’). In all these martial arts they have different level of expertise. You have the colored belt or the ‘Dan’. In Bo Do the lowest is Bo Do Tolol, followed by Bo Do Bangang, the highest is Bo Do Sombong. (of course lah dah terrer mesti sombong sikit). The master is called Master Bo Do Sangat. You can’t find this martial art in Malaysia or anywhere in Asia. It’s only in America. They’ll worship your martial art like crazy. It’s the best thing that could ever happen to them. Later on you can make interviews ala Smart Shop and try to sell it through direct marketing, phone marketing or home shopping. Get some Americans to tell on camera how Bo Do changed their lives. I think we better stick to the existing martial arts. Tak payah create yang baru. And for all kids out there...... “Don’t try this (Bo Do) at home. Buruk padahnya.”

Kisah Benar

2005-09-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

Apakah Dosaku? – A short drama

By Kekure

Scene 1

A big office with lots of cubicles. A very bored woman in a cubicle with lots of documents stack on her desks, typing away while listening to a conversation between a not so handsome French with a very thick accent and an Indian woman with a very high pitch voice in the next cubicle.

Philippe : How’s the claim that I made last month? The account dept haven’t debited it in my acc. could you please check for me?

Puva : You can check with Kekure. She’s developing the document tracking system. Perhaps she can check it out for you.

Philippe walks over to Kekure’s cubicle.

Kekure : Hello. How may I assist you? (Fake smile and a short glimpse at the guy while still typing away)

Philippe: How are you today?

Kekure : Yeah, Fine as usual,TQ.

Philippe: I have submitted my claim last month. The acc dept still haven’t debited it to my acc. Please check whether they have received the document or not?

Kekure: Still remember the date of the claim, for what purpose and the amount? (Flipping some documents, then scribbles something in a note pad)

Philippe: Date? Have no idea? But it was for my phone.

Kekure: Give me a sec. I’ll check in my database.

(Typing vigorously while some fire flickers from her head, after a few minutes turns her head over to Philippe who’s watching her computer screen from over her shoulder)

Kekure : Sorry, it’s not it my database. Tell you what, why don’t you find the claim in your personal folder in the server. I’ll call you in a few minutes ok?

Philippe: Ok..sure..tq (walks out from the cubicle)

Scene 2

Kekure checks all the documents stack on her desk and her database to find the claim. She takes out a few big files from under her desk and flips over the pages. She stops for a moment t to check her SMS. Then she abruptly picks up the phone and dials some numbers.

Kekure : Philippe, it’s Kekure. Have you find the claim record in your personal folder? I couldn’t find it here.

Philippe: Claim? What claim? Are you sure that you call the right person?

Kekure: Eh mangkoknyer ko nie!Menyusahkan idup aku! (Talking with a soft voice while shows the f*** sign with her right hand)

Philippe: Pardon?

Kekure: Sorry, I was talking to Puva just now. Remember that we talked about your claim when you came to my cubicle just now? You said that you submitted a claim to the acc dept.

Philippe: Claim?

Kekure: The claim for your phone. Was it for monthly bill or repair? I couldn’t find any records for your phone claim. Have you checked your personal folder? (Drawing a matchstick man, who resembles Philippe, which is skinny and have a recruit’s hairdo. She then draws a car, which looks like driving towards Philippe)

Philippe: Phone? I didn’t claim for any phones. It was for my vacation!

Kekure: (looks very angry and talks with an agitated voice) But you told me that it was for your phone but not your vacation?

Philippe: No, No. It was for my vacation.

Kekure: Ooooo, was it? Paler hangguk ko la.Pesal la kecik2 dulu mak ko tak hantuk jek paler ko kat dinding? (Talks in a very sweet voice while posing an act of strangling a person)

Philippe: I’m going to submit my claim for my phone this month, not last month.

Kekure: Sure, just put it in my tray if I’m not around. (Puts down the phone and rest her head on her desk)

END.

Citer hantu

2005-09-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

Got one time, aku pegi tengok satu show. Show macam ni memang special sikit. They all start bila dah malam. Sometimes they all habis only when lewat malam.

So I went to one of these shows one night with some friends. It was a great atmosphere, everyone was excited, the crowd was good. Semua tak sabar-sabar menunggu.

Then suddenly the band struck up and the lights went off. When the lights came on again, alangkah tergezutnya aku!

There was a ghost on stage!

His face was all white and he was really, really skinny, almost skeletal. And he was floating on stage. Sometimes he would float backwards. It was very frightening and unnerving. And at times, he let out a high-pitched yell, almost like a blood-curdling scream!

Its movements were frighteningly like a stiff corpse, and it would flail its arms like it was trying to attack us.

All my friends and the other audience members didn't seem to notice that he was a ghost. They were all dancing and laughing and clapping. I was so scared, I felt an incredible urge to just run away. But I was surrounded by the crowd and couldn't leave.

Finally I told a friend nearest to me, "Eh, kau tak nampak ke hantu tu??? Aku takut laaaaah!!!"

My friend calmly replied, "Eh, apasal kau takut? Tu Michael Jackson lah!"

Esh! Malunyer.

Kisah Kekure Dan Arnab

2005-08-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

Pada suatu hari,
Kekure dan arnab berlumba lari,
Di dalam perigi,
Perigi tu kecik,
Tapi sang arnab tu licik,
Lalu dia keluar dari perigi macam The Ring,
Tapi sang kekure lambat lagi bising-bising,
Akhirnya sang arnab hampir ke garisan penamat,
Tapi sang kekure lambat teramat sangat,
Bila sedar dia akan kalah,
Sang kekure pun naik teksi Wilayah,
Akan tetapi teksi tak pakai meter,
Kerana dipandu Muteaudio yang giler,
Alangkah kesiannya sang kekure,
Kalah dan malu tak terhingga,
Tapi kekure tersenyum bukan main,
Bila ternampak di kalangan penonton seorang jejaka bernama ...
... ANUAR ZAIN!
Alangkah gembiranya sang kekure,
Dapat menikmati KEABADIAN CINTA!

You are what you eat??!!

2005-08-30T04:42:00.000-07:00

I ate tempe this morning.
Am I tempe?
Later in the evening, I had fried chicken.
Who am I?
I don’t know.

Want to write for 6J?

2005-08-30T02:59:00.000-07:00

Since we have been deluged with requests to join 6J, and we can't accomodate anymore contributors (because there are supposed to be six of us, and it's a full house right now), we would like to invite anyone who wish to write anything at all on this blog to send us your contributions. We will post it up, as long as:

1. it contains a lot of naughty things
2. it contains swear words where possible
3. it doesn't make sense
4. it makes sense
5. it contradicts itself like rules no. 3 and 4
6. it is damn cock

and most importantly

7. it insults our intelligence!

So, scribble away and then send your really cock writings to:

akuhantu@gmail.com

Tatkala bersendirian di rumah ...

2005-08-29T07:29:00.000-07:00

Ya, I stole this from somewhere.

Ah, fuck it. I don't care. So, sue me.

Muteaudio's first film - "SKYM: The Sweetest Murder Mystery"

2005-08-29T06:55:00.000-07:00

This gonna be Muteaudio's first film. You'll have everything in it. Mystery, drama, comedy, action, singing and dancing, and not forgetting... sex. Abu, Mansor and Akmal will be making cameo appearance as 'penchachai'. Mute also managed to get Mawi, Felix and Marsha. Since Pengki oredi famous with his role in Gubra, Mute decided to take the lead role. He gonna act alongside Siti Nurhaliza, Farra MI2, Dian Sastrowardoyo and Nasha Aziz. Ada 5some summore.
For those who've been asking what's SKYM all about, watch out for this film. Coming soon to illegal DVD peddlers near u. Abis lah, after this Afdlin Shauki sure cannot cari makan one. Sure Afdlin's "Buli Balik" & "Baik Punya Cilok" will "Kena Buli" kow kow(sequel to SKYM) by Mute's "The Art of Cilok Mencilok" (prequel to SKYM)

MERAH MENYALA

2005-08-28T21:52:00.000-07:00

Kerandut LV Merah Menyala,

Bila marah ia Merah Menyala,

Bila makan kari ia Merah Menyala,

Bila malu ia Merah Menyala,

Bila panas ia Merah Menyala,

Bila diramas ia Merah Menyala,

Bila gersang ia Merah Menyala,

Bila terkena bola ia Merah Menyala,

Bila di 'self service' ia Merah Menyala,

Merah Menyala dikala lampu Merah Menyala.

Kesalahan-kesalahan yang patut di kenakan hukuman berat

2005-08-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

Kesalahan-kesalahan yang di senaraikan di bawah adalah kesalahan-kesalahan yg sering di lakukan dan mendatangkan mudarat kepada awam,IMHO.Kajian ini telah di lakukan selama aku hidup di muka bumi ini setelah berpindah dari marikh.Kesalahan-kesalahan ini di bahagikan kepada kawasan-kawasan di mana selalunya terjadian perbuatan keji yang menaikkan tekanan darah secara mendadak kepada mangsa yakni aku (paling terutamanya tekanan darah aku jd normal walaupun aku ada masalah tekanan darah rendah)

1)Kawasan - lorong pejalan kaki

Kesalahan- jalan macam jalan tu nenek tiri sebelah atuk sedara belah mak dia yg punya

Pasangan dan mereka yg suka keluar secara berkumpulan adalah golongan yg paling banyak melakukan kesalahan ini.Bila dah pegang tangan tu macam le tak leh nak lepas lagi dah.Orang yang di belakang langsung tak boleh nak mencelah.Cuba bayangkan aku dah le lambat,nak kejar lrt lagi tetibe korang di halang oleh manusia yang selfish camnie.Tak berasap ke?Kalau yg berkumpulan lagi bedebah.Tak cukup ngan korang di halang kene kutuk2 plak pasal kalut2 nak gi keje.Daring semacam plak tu.Tak panas ke telinga?

Kalau ikutkan ati aku, pasangan-pasangan di larang untuk berjalan-jalan di kawasan pejalan kaki semasa waktu puncak.Mereka yg berkumpulan hanya di benarkan berjalan berdua-dua dan bukan berlima-lima sekali jalan sebaris dan berbaris di dalam satu kumpulan.Cara paling senang:besarkan je lorong pejalan kaki.

2)LRT (ini merupakan kawasan yang paling berjerebu!kalau tak tahan sabar,silap2 boleh mengorbankan nyawa)

Aku tak nak ulang pasal kes tak nak bagi seats kat org tua,kekanak atau pun org mengandung.Tu semua yasmin dah buat iklan LOL.Apsal semua nak duduk kat pintu?Kot yea pun senang nak turun takkan le ko naik dari KLCC tapi nak turun kat Kelana Jaya ko still nak duduk kat depan pintu?Dah le tu berebut2 nak naik LRT.Kat anak2,anak2 sedara,sepupu semua kowang suruh beratur masa nak naik bas sekolah or masuk kelas.Tak pepasal jek semalam aku tertolak pak guard monorail akibat di rempuh secara ganas time nak keluar monorail. Time cuti sekolah lagi le.Semua parents nak bawak anak2 merasa naik LRT dan Monorail.Tapi tak kesian ke kat anak2 kalau bawak dorang masa peak hours?Siap tersepit celah2 org,lagi parah kalau bawak baby.Seronok memang le seronok coz dapat spend masa dengan family,tapi kalau anak2 tersepit celah bontot orang best ke?mau trauma bebudak tu seumur hidup.

Mesin beli tiket kat LRT nie le antara kawasan yg banyak menaikkan darah aku.Paling common:tak cukup duit kecik,pastu kecoh2 jerit mintak duit kat kawan2 yg berada 1500m dr mesin tiket.Buang masa betol!

Pada aku le,paling bedebah antara semua ye la mereka yg berdiri kat sebelah kanan escalator.Terang2 dah letak papan tanda suruh bagi laluan kat org di lorong kanan,tp tak paham2 gak.Buat penat aku berdehem2 tp buat muka toya jek.Aku tolak kang jatuh escalator,tak pasal2 kene saman.Eh,kes ini pun nak kene buat iklan jugak ke?Perhaps we should bring back the tatarakyat's subject.

3)Wayang

This might sounds offensive to some.But really I'M NOT A RACIST OR ASSOCIATED TO IT IN ANY WAYS.

Nie kejadian paling terbaru yg berlaku pada aku.Tadi aku gi tengok cite the Maid,penonton pun takde le ramai sangat.So-so jek.Bila start jek citer nie aku mula rasa tak sedap ati.The gal started to read out the credits.Pastu berterusan lagi,sib baik dia berhenti masa part hantu keluar.Aku tau le dia paham cakap cina tp perlu ke baca subtitle english kuat2?Apa dia ingat nie kelas bahasa inggeris british council ke?

Lagi satu aku cukup pantang org teka2 ending dengan kekuatan suara melebihi 10db.Tu pasal aku lebih suka tengok wayang sensowang,opis hour.Senang nak pilih tempat,jauh dari org selesa skit nak tengok.

Kalau korang ada kes2 lain yg buatkan korang pissed off,pepandai le tambah kat bahagian komen yek?Time kaseyyyyyyyyyyyy

Lari! Lari! Alien Menyerang!

2005-08-26T02:06:00.000-07:00

LARI! LARI! Alien coming. This pic was taken Somewhere In The Middle Of Pahang. I think this alien rasuk'ed the police officer. So he killed the Janda Lawa that buat Sejenis Kuih Yang Manis. I think the reason he killed the Janda Lawa is bcoz she tak nak bagi Sejenis Kuih Yang Manis to this alien kot. The alien need SKYM bcoz their minyak dah habis.

LU APAHAL? NAK MAMPOS?

2005-08-25T11:26:00.000-07:00

Lu apahal?
Nak mampos?
Apa yang tak puas hati?
Dengar sini!
Ada cerita pasal orang mati!
Mati kerana busuk hati!
Asyik buat kan orang sakit hati!
Akibatnya dipotong bersegi-segi!
Lepas tu bangkai dikira timbang kati!

Kenapa cekodok bentuk nya bulat?
Kenapa tidak bersegi tika dibuat?
4 segi atau 3 segi?
Kenapa langit tak selalu cerah?
Tak secerah Bukit Cerakah,
Dek kerana nafsu serakah,
Manusia yang derhaka,
Yang tak pernah kerja sampai muntah darah,

Senang rupanya nak dapat Phd
Tak payah ke Milwaukee atau Cincinnati
Semuanya ada kat sini
Yang penting didalam hati
Kelam, balam didalam dendam
Bukan dalam diam dia menghentam
Secara terbuka direndam, digodam dan ditelanjang
Cerita lama tak dibuang
Ditelanjangkan wartawan gelandangan
Konon malu cerita tak serupa budaya
Sebenarnya malu pekung budaya dibuka
Tak habis cerita AP
Disambung pula FFAP
Keris dijulang tinggi-tinggi
Pertahankan NEP tunjang ekonomi
Tapi macam mana nak maju pergi
Kalau semuanya berdaki dengki
Nak menaikkan diri sendiri
Sanggup jatuhkan saudara sekiblat sendiri
Itu yang dinamakan jati diri?
Lebih baik bunuh diri
Buat malu mak bapak bini dan anak sendiri

Menolak dikatakan derhaka
Bukan menderhaka, cuma kita tak suka,
Ruangan variasi mencari publisiti
Untuk menaikkan readership
Kononnya jatuh angkara konspirasi
Angkara survey AC
Isikan gossip berapi-api
Persoalkan juri dan orang yang dah mati
Langganan naik mesti gerenti
Merepeklah pasal Sepet
Akhirnya dia yang tersepit
Betapa sempitnya pemikiran yang sedia tersepit
Semuanya disangkal semuanya disanggah
Biarkan Puteh dan kelabu menjadi Abu
Asalkan kita tak jadi dunggu
Konon semuanya SuperfiSIAL
Budaya apa mengata orang SIAL?

Sampai bila dia nak buka buku?
Sampai semua cerita orang dah tahu?
Termasuk cerita dalam kelambu?
Atas nama kebebasan berkata-kata
Semua benda dia nak cerita
Manipulasi fakta kononnya orang lain yang salah
Semata-mata mahu publisiti murah
Mana pergi tatasusila
Keagungan budaya MALAYah

Biarlah apa nak dikatanya
Kita mampu berserah padaNYA
Bukan nak membelanya
Cuma tak suka cara dilanyak

Lu apahal
Kononnya mahu keadilan
Tapi malukan aibkan orang dengan machine gun
Tembakan bertubi dari barrel telah dinyahkan
Simangsa hanya mampu berdiam tanpa pertahanan

Akulah raja di Balai ini
Apa yang ditulis adalah terkini
Semuanya benar tiada yang tidak benar melainkan benar belaka
Lawani ku engkau penderhaka
Setujui ku engkau seteru
Walaupun baru nak tumbuh bulu
Akan aku naikkan kau hingga jadi nombor satu
Asalkan kau ikut cakapku
Pergi Jahanam lah lu

"Kirim salam ngan mak sedara lu" kata Mr. Carter

How To Understand Fish

2005-08-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

As my friend in Melbourne, Mr Chowyunfatsbrother, says, "Fish are our future, eyyyyy!"

Or is it, "Fish IS our future?"

I don't know, my English sucks bad ass. Anyway, most people rear fish in a tank without ever understanding the needs and wants of their watery pets. I want to give you a breakdown of the ways to understand fish.

You see, when I was young, I had a tank full of fish. They were nice to look at, relaxing to observe ... well, at first. It was nice when they were still swimming around. It wasn't as nice when they lay at the bottom of the tank, unmoving. It happened after I cleaned the tank for the first time in six years.

My father came home and gave me the worst spanking in my life. I couldn't understand what he was so mad about. He kept spanking me and shouting something like "Where's the water???" Or it could have been something else he said, because he was so mad, he was slurring. So you see, I couldn't really hear him.

Then we had a cat. It was a really good pussy. My uncle once said "In life, all you will ever need as a man is a good pussy." And so I believed him. He was a nice man, and he had a penchant for reading picture magazines with his pants down in the bathroom. I walked in on him once, and he shouted at me. It is such a private and important hobby to him that absolutely no one should interrupt him.

Anyway, the cat was splendid. One day, I saw a TV programme where they had cats of different colours, like purple, blue, pink, red, and stuff. I thought it was cool. I bought a bottle of bleach and decided it would be cool if my brown cat looked like Billy Idol. You know, "White weddiiiiiinnngggg...." ... "With a rebel yellllll, she cries more more mooooooorrree!!!"

But I came home one day and found my cat hairless and lying on the front porch. I came back by afternoon and found that it had not moved, but had gained some weight. It looked fat. A nice crow came by and tried to wake my cat with its beak (what a friendly little bird!). But my cat was fast asleep.

Then my father came home and spanked the life out of me.

I loved my cat.

And yeah, fish are our future, eeeyyyyyy!!!

Or is it fish IS our future?

Tips for sustainable living

2005-08-24T02:27:00.000-07:00

Here’s a little known fact: everytime you burp (or in rare cases, also when you audibly expel intestinal gases through your excretory opening), your body releases traces of hydrogen and lauric acid. If you don’t know already, hydrogen is a colourless and odourless group of gases commonly used to inflate meteorological balloons.

Lauric acid on the other hand is a member of the super fatty acid family, just like the kind found in mother’s milk. As with mouldy produce, lauric acid can be quickly metabolised and converted into energy in the human body. It can also ease digestive disorder and help support thyroid and bowel functions, especially when taken with papaya and corn-based cereals rich in Zinc and Selenium.

So if you are the kind of person who burp (or pass gas) constantly, keep a handkerchief handy and make it a habit to swipe and collect the friendly acid. Don’t worry about it going rancid quickly since its acidity is an anathema to most bacteria and airborne germs. To extract the lauric acid (and separate aerosolized particles of waste matter that may be present on the fabric), soak the handkerchief in a bowl of warm water for two to three minutes, stirring constantly. When ready, pour the water into a sterilised jar and seal. Store in a cool and dry place and consume within one year.

Here another fun fact that might seem as science fiction to many: burping (and breaking wind) can have been known to generate small amount of electricity. Studies and pilot projects are already taking place in Finland and Sweden to harness this great source of renewable energy. Unlike, say, a nuclear reactor, habitual burpers and flatulencers:

1. Doesn’t threaten the balance of any natural bio-physical system.
2. Can largely meet local needs.
3. Minimises any terrorist threat.
4. Can be completely and safely disposed at the end of their life.

Waste not. Think green.

Book Review: Animal Farm by George Orwell

2005-08-23T09:20:00.000-07:00

This is a wonderful book that I highly recommend. Semua penghuni Bumi dan juga Marikh patut membacanya.

It is about a bunch of animals on a farm. These animals are really cute. There is The Duck, The Cat, The Chicken, The Cow, The Horse, The Pig, The Turkey, The Mouse, The Goat, The Rooster, The Tiger, The Platypus, The Crocodile, The Komodo Dragon, The Llama, The Polar Bear, The King Cobra, The Lion King, The Finding Nemo, The Lilo & Stitch, The Shrek, etc.

This is George Orwell's masterpiece. Through the life of the animals on the farm, he tries to show us how the stock market is heavily influenced by the amount of stray molecules of foreign chemicals in the stratosphere.

By the end of the book, we will sympathise with the plight of The Kekure who is mutilated by a very jealous Crocodile because the latter suspects that The Kekure had stolen his Lego Special Edition set which recreates to scale a model of the temples of Ulan Bator. This sets forth an unexpected series of events that includes the Rape Of The Goat, The Abbatoir Chainsaw Massacre, The Invasion Of The Cicak Snatchers, and The Exorcism Of The Platypus Get Thee Behind Me Nemo.

This is a very powerful novel, in that Orwell manages to comment on the socio-political and economical diadectics usually found in highly volatile regions of farms where border disputes and political upheavals are commonplace, and the vibrations of the psychosomatical physiology within the orgiastic fermentation of the neuro-chrono propriety.

I hope you will read this book.

Diary on Gubra (part 3)

2005-08-22T23:16:00.000-07:00

The Shooting Incident

Day 2

the alarm broke the silence of dawn, it's 7. At the lobby, members of Familia gathered for breakfast, very well aware of the grim task ahead...The Shooting.

*Watch it first-lah* heehehhehehe...

After Gol & Gincu comes ...

2005-08-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

Diary on Gubra (part 2)

2005-08-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

Meeting the Familia

Day 1 (continue)

we were dropped-off at Syuen Hotel, where the entire Familia stays. Sengtat went up to his room leaving me & Jason abandoned at the lobby waiting, little bugger i thought to myself, haha.

Jason still engrossed in his karma-reading, Yasmin & Orked suddenly showed-up at the hotel lobby.
then, Orked & Jason spent some quality times together, Yasmin & Sengtat spent some quality times together.
Me spent some quality times banging balls, then i met Anuar and we both banged balls together-gether.

Kamariah arrived and brought us to Orked's bungalow, where i met Pak Atan & Mak Inom, Alan & Adlin,...and Miriam. These are the Family members within the larger Familia, including the twins Pete & Pete, the triplets Elyna, Kamariah, Hazel, & many, many other operational technical members within the mafioso Familia.

being the latest recruit, i am required to carry-out my first assignment in the following morning. this is it! restless & tossing around in bed, me resorted to counting sheeps jumping over the fence.

end Day 1

Nama Saya PERGI JAHANAM

2005-08-22T04:10:00.000-07:00

Lupa pulak nak perkenalkan diri. Nama saya Jahanam, Pergi Jahanam.
Nama ini digunakan sebagai satu mekanisme pertahanan diri.
Bayangkan.....
LV: "Hey! Lu pergi jahanam!"
PJ: "Ya saya Pergi Jahanam"
LV: "Lu pergi jahanam"
PJ: "Ya saya Pergi Jahanam"
dan lagi.... dan lagi... dan lagi (neverending story) sampai lah LV naik fed up.

So kalau orang cakap "Lu pergi jahanam lah"
Ya lah saya Pergi Jahanam.
HaHaHaHa

Diary on Gubra (part 1)

2005-08-22T03:15:00.000-07:00

ExploreRace: Ipoh

Day 1

ok, this is what i've been waiting for, pushed-off to meet up with Jason, i'll be following him to Ipoh for Gubra shoot.

me: Jason, are you gonna drive us both to Ipoh?
Jason: no, guess Sengtat is...

Sengtat arrived, out-of-nowhere.

me: Sengtat, are you driving us all to Ipoh?
Sengtat: no-lah...?

the next thing i know, Jason, Sengtat & me were on our way to Ipoh seated in a luxurious KIA (or was it Ford?) van, it can accomodate a football team plus 2 linesman but there were only four of us...Sengtat busy chatting-up the muscular driver at the front, Jason busy reading at the back, me seated in the middle looking out at the batu kapur formations scattered along the way to Ipoh.

the van was driven by a 180 km/hour (if raining 120 km/hour) Indian man. Wahlau-eh, at these speed we'll be there in no time !

6pm reached Ipoh, 2-hours drive from PJ, our Baacha is definitely better than Schumacher.

to be continued...

Your Chinese horrorscope for today:

2005-08-22T01:55:00.000-07:00

Rat
You rat! You dirty rat! Today the ah sou and ah pek who run the char kuey teow stall where u live will be run over by a truck driven by a top-hat-wearing Republican demagogue who looks like George Bush. So there will no longer be any tidbits for you to feed on. You might as well stay inside your little rat-hole and DIE AND ROT!!!

Ox
The farmer is going to accuse you of molesting his daughter while he was away buying new batteries for his canggih, super-duper Ultralight which he will use to fly over the mountains and bomb some terrorists. You're dead meat! Or rather, you're the blue plate special. If you want to escape this fate, you need to insert two seven-inch nails into your eyeballs and run around screaming like your anus is on fire.

Tiger
Tiger, tiger, burning bright, in the forests of the night. Yep, and that's exactly what will happen to you once the villagers catch you and set you on fire for murdering the headman and stealing his Tag Hauer Super Divers' Special Edition Chronometer, which you hope to use on your next trip to Pulau Redang. Well, at least you know there will be one person who will be proud of you: William fucking Blake.

Rabbit
Well, you know what they say about rabbits. You guys multiply too fast!!! So you will be contracting syphillis from having too much casual sex and too many partners. Because of the bad publicity for rabbits, Playboy will stop using you as its symbol and you will lose all royalties! You will die an old, lonely, randy but unfulfilled rabbit!

Dragon
What the --?? Get out of here! You're not real! You're just a legend! You don't fucking exist!

"BEBAS BEKERJA DI MANA JUA"

2005-08-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

Suka hati je mamat ni (top right hand corner) kerja kat mana-mana dia suka. I think he took "BEBAS BEKERJA DI MANA JUA" (bottom) a bit too seriously. Click the pic. Taken in Ipoh last week.

I'm not an actor, I'm not the star ...

2005-08-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

... but our very own Pengki, aka Lucy Fur, is going to be one soon!

He just finished his doing his scenes for Yasmin Ahmad's Gubra. I've asked, no, BEGGED him to write about his experiences here but he said "Watch the film first lah."

Bugger!

Pretentious literary entry ala Jose Saramago

2005-08-20T12:28:00.000-07:00

This guy lah, his name is Jose Saramago. He is a writer, pernah menang Nobel Prize. I memang ada cita-cita nak jadi seorang penulis terkenal yang memenangi Anugerah Nobel. Akan tetapi, I got 11 fingers, just like Ah Tat predicted. So I can't really type well or fast enough. To produce a novel with my number of fingers would take a century. But I will attempt it anyway. In the sky of orange, where fires incinerate the stars, I am here as a lone figure cutting the shadows with my razor mind, reaching out into oblivion, crying out for a semblance of love. Eh, apa aku merepek ni??? Aku pon tak tau lah. Anyway, this is what Jose Saramago is famous for. He writes an entire book without any paragraphs! Best kan? Tu lah, kalo nak menang Anugerah Nobel, kena buat benda yang tak masuk akal. Ha ha! Tulis lah sepuas-puasnya tanpa menggunakan kekunci "enter"! Alangkah gilernya aku! Giler macam badak sumbu diserang demam char kuey teow. So, if the world were to end tomorrow, would I say I love you till you're purple? Or would you purple me to love? Perhaps love will me till you purple? Or purple you love till me? Whatever. Wut evah! Spies are nothing if not used in soups and curries. Would you then curry favour with a spy for a bowl of soup? Or would you bowl a curry favour with a spy? Perhaps you would like to spy a favour with a curry bowl? Whatever it is, you can go bowling with a curry-flavoured spy. Good luck. If you've made it this far in my entry, I would like to say congratulations! This cock entry is meant to cock you up. Or maybe it is to up you to the cock? Or perhaps the cock is up to you? Whatever! This entry is damn cock.

Hari Ini Dalam Sejarah

2005-08-19T09:21:00.000-07:00

Horrorscope

2005-08-17T10:51:00.000-07:00

Aries

Elakkan dari memakan sebarang bahan yang di perbuat dari kambing. Jika anda gemar menggunakan sabun susu kambing,berhati-hatilah. Anda mungkin akan di hurungi semut ketika sedang tidur akibat kesedepan sabun susu kambing sehingga menjilat siku.

Taurus
Hari ini adalah hari yang amat berbahaya.Elakkan dari memakai baju berbrand Lois kerana lambangnya adalah lambang lembu jantan. Lembu-lembu jantan akan mengalami rangsangan nafsu yang amat kuat dan amat sensitive dengan anda.Menempah maut namanya nanti, melainkan anda dah lama hidup.

Gemini
Mereka yang bernaung di bawah zodiak ini jauhkan diri dari dating dengan kembar terutamanya kembar siam. Ini bagi mengelakkan anda tersalah sangka dan keluar dengan kembar yang salah. Kantoi big time nanti silap-silap biru mata hitamku!

Cancer
Hati-hati bila bergaul!Ada orang yang akan menyangkakan andalah punca segala penyakit cancer di dunia dan akan membuang anda ke Pulau Jerjak. Kalau boleh duduk jek kat rumah jangan ke mana-mana kecuali ke bilik kecik. Kalau mak anda suruh ke kedai buat bodoh jek!Utamakan keselamatan.

Leo
Banyakkan memakan Paddle Pop sebagai tanda sokongan kepada singa paling best di dunia yakni Singa Paddle Pop.Lebih afdal jika anda membelanja satu opis anda dengan Paddle Pop Thumbs Up supaya anda dapat menganjurkan Thumb’s Up Tournament di kemudian hari dan meninggikan peratusan untuk anda di pilih sebagai Pengerusi Kelab Rekreasi di opis anda.

Virgo
Banyakkan memakan makanan yang bermula dengan huruf V seperti Vitagen dan Vico. Ia akan membantu anda menstabilkan degupan jantung anda yang selalu tidak stabil seperti tidak stabilnya pasaran saham Malaysia. Penstabilan degupan jantung anda akan memberikan kesan kepada penjualatan tiket filem Gol dan Gincu.

Libra
Jangan gunakan dacing untuk membuat sebarang timbangan!Di jangkakan dacing tersebut akan terjatuh dan terlepas ke atas kaki anda. Jadi apa-apa jangan cakap kami tak warning pulak.Ingat!Malang tak berbau!Kalau terbau hangit tu maknanya anda terlupa nak perlahankan api dapur masa mereneh sup.

Scorpio
Jangan pasang lagu dari kumpulan Scorpions selama 7 hari 7 malam. Di khuatiri anda akan di jamu dengan sup kasut oleh ibu atau isteri atau gopren anda setelah mendengar lagu winds of change selama 768 kali berturut-turut.

Sagittarius
Jangan makan kaki ayam yang di masak dalam apa jua bentuk. Tulisan anda yang cantik berbunga2 akan menjadi cakar ayam.Jika anda adalah pelajar dan akan mengambil peperiksaan, berhati-hatilah melainkan anda menggunakan pensel 2B seperti yang di gunakan Amalina. Pasti anda akan lulus dengan cemerlang walaupun tak study asalkan menulis dengan pensel tersebut.

Capricorn
Sebagai seekor kambing gunung, amatlah penting untuk anda mandi 9 kali sehari. Ini bagi mengelakkan anda kehilangan kenkawan yang tak tahan dengan BO (body odor) anda yang teramat pekungnya itu.Sebelum keluar rumah, sembur dulu badan anda dengan 3botol minyak atar supaya keharuman anda semerbak dan mampu melumpuhkan musuh dari jarak 200 ela.

Aquarius
Cari seberapa banyak kawan-kawan yang berbintang sama seperti anda. Kemudian carilah kawasan empangan yang kian kering akibat kekurangan hujan. Selepas itu buat tarian hujan selama 40 hari 40 malam supaya hujan akan sentiasa turun dan kembali memenuhkan empangan tersebut. Usaha anda akan di rasakan berbaloi apabila anda di taja dengan SKYM oleh Pergi Jahanam.

Pisces
Jangan makan ikan kaloi pada hari ini kerana di khuatiri anda akan tercekik tulang. Kalau nak makan jugak ikan kaloi,suruh bawang merah buat masak lemak cili padi.Kalau malas sangat,goreng pun sodap!

Kawan kepada yang kat bawah

2005-08-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

Binatang buas

2005-08-17T08:45:00.000-07:00

Talking cock or cock talking?

2005-08-17T07:47:00.000-07:00

Found this on the Net.

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast.
The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."
So the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

Saya sepasang kasut buruk

2005-08-16T22:52:00.000-07:00

Saya sepasang kasut buruk. Pada suatu masa dahulu, saya adalah sepasang kasut yang baru dan cantik dan disukai ramai. Saya dilahirkan di sebuah kilang membuat kasut di pinggir cakerawala, ie, di Klang.

Pada suatu hari, seorang samurai berkereta Proton Gen-2 membeli saya dengan duit RM69.90, selepas diskaun Mega Sale. Dia membawa saya ke rumahnya yang berhampiran dengan sebuah sungai yang dipenuhi dugong.

Bila senja, anak samurai itu pulang dari sekolah, dan alangkah gembiranya bila melihat saya! Dia pun terus memakai saya. Akan tetapi, sungguh malang nasib saya, kerana budak sial tu tak basuh kaki!

Walaupun begitu, saya sungguh gembira kerana dilayan dengan penuh kasih sayang.

Tetapi, malang tidak berbau. Samurai itu telah dibunuh dengan kejam oleh seorang ahli boy band yang kacak lagi macho. Selepas hari itu, anaknya telah dihantar ke pusat jagaan khas, dan saya pula dibuang ke dalam tong sampah.

Pada suatu hari yang mendung, tiba-tiba seorang Masked Rider muncul dan membawa saya ke rumahnya dengan menaiki motosikal jenama Kris. Sejak itu, hidup saya berubah dengan ekstremnya! Saya di ikat dan dikurung di sebuah bilik, dan dirogol berkali-kali. Sungguh ganas si abang Masked Rider tu!

Setelah dia "bersuka ria" dengan saya, ditinggalkan pula saya didalam bilik itu tanpa makan dan minum.

Pada suatu malam, dia membawa rakan-rakannya, Pahlawan Gaban, Power Ranger, dan Ultramamat ke rumah. Apabila Power Ranger melihat keadaan saya, dia berasa kesian terhadap saya dan terus naik bengang. Dia mencaci dan memukul Masked Rider. Masked Rider cuba menggunakan "power"nya tetapi memang terbukti kuasa sakti Power Ranger yang dipelajarinya selepas bertapa 30 hari dan 30 malam di basement KLCC adalah yang paling kuat di alam semesta. Akhirnya, Masked Rider tewas dan bertukar menjadi jerebu.

Power Ranger pun membawa saya ke rumahnya yang cantik dan bertingkat-tingkat. Akan tetapi, saya telah menjadi sepasang kasut yang buruk akibat seksaan Masked Rider. Power Ranger termuntah-muntah melihat keadaan saya yang buruk dan berlubang. Lalu saya dibuang ke dalam gaung somewhere in the middle of Pahang.

Itulah nasib saya, sepasang kasut yang buruk.

This story is damn cock.

The Morph

2005-08-16T07:48:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, Jahanam Empat aka Pengki has somehow transmogrified into Lucy Fur. We believe it's the haze. Otherwise, he's been living in Ayah Pin's giant teko for too long.

i have a dream...

2005-08-16T01:16:00.000-07:00

2-decades, 6-months, 23-days ago, i had a dream...and i've been dreaming of this dream eversince.
hence, so it should be appropriately phrased as "i have a dream..." instead of "i had a dream...", right?

it is not a wet dream nor a dry one, it is lukewarm and it is beautiful. i dreamt of a beautiful world where...

Imagine all the people living life in peace...Imagine no possesions,I wonder if you can,No need for greed or hunger, A brotherhood of man, Imagine all the people sharing their beds with other people's wives or hubbies...You may say Im a dreamer,but Im not the only one,I hope some day you'll join us,And the world will live as one.

there you have it, i have a dream...

my first article on writing

2005-08-16T00:57:00.000-07:00

dunno what to write, will try to write something for the sake of writing something. as i'm sitting here typing away on the keyboard, i recalled an incident i've heard recently, but i can't recall it at the moment...worry not, once i've figured-out i'll let you know.

writing is typing away incessantly on the keyboard, while stomach churning out gasses.

to write is to type away incessantly, regardless of hunger,while stomach churning out gasses.

to be a writer is to type away incessantly on the keyboard, regardless of whatever that you're typing, if it make sense then it's good for you as the reader. But if it doesn't make sense, it's your responsibility to make some out of it as a reader, ok.

i have written at great length, hope it's long enough to satisfy your need & desire. babai.

Kisah Basikal Kaler Pink

2005-08-15T21:38:00.000-07:00

I was waiting for a cab to go to KLCC for my weekly swim in the KLCC pool. I tried to hail Pergi Jahanam’s (PJ)cab but dia buat bodoh,konon-konon tak nampak aku la tu.Pastu siap langgar lopak,habih baju aku kene air lopak dr ujan yang turun lebat menghapuskan jerebu yang ada di KL. Jahanam betol!

Terus aku memecut ke tandas awam berdekatan untuk menukar baju kepada baju uniform TJ (it stands for Tortoise Jahanam). With all my might, aku berlari pada kelajuan 10km/h untuk mengejar Pergi Jahanam.

Sedang aku berlari-lari itik, tetibe aku nampak Le Visiteur dan Pengki sedang menangkap rama-rama di belakang jamban Enambypamby untuk kelas sains Sakti. I shouted to V and P, “Oii,jom kejar PJ.Aku tahan teksi dia tadi tapi dia buat bodoh jek. Siap langgar lopak plak.Apa hal dia tu?”.

Seraya mendengarkan perbuatan PJ yang teramat Jahanamest tu,V terus berlari ke arah basikal super powernyer yang berkaler pink sambil menelan Viagra bg menambah tenaga. Aku seperti biasa duduk di dalam bakul basikal sementara P sambil menjerit neee noooon neee noooon duduk di belakang.

V mengayuh dengan teramat laju sehinggakan kami dapat mengejar PJ dalam masa 0.005 saat. PJ was so surprised that he had swallowed his cigarette butt upon seeing us lot in front of his cab.

P merupakan bekas ahli pandu puteri yang mendapat lencana kepujian di dalan acara memasak terus membuat Heimlich maneuver bagi membantu PJ yang telah tercekik puntung rokoknya. V kemudiannya menyoal siasat PJ.

V : Kenapa awak tidak berhenti bila Kekure menahan teksi awak tadi?Sudahlah awak enggan berhenti, awak sanggup pula melanggar lopak sehingga menyebabkan Kekure basah kuyup. Apa yang awak cuba lakukan huh?huh?huh?Buat bodoh ke?

PJ hanya tertunduk tanpa kata-kata. V terus menerus bercakap dan jika di tadah air liurnya itu ianya akan bersamaan dengan 4 tong biskut tawar. It looked as if PJ was so stubborn and refused to tell us the truth. Suddenly it rained heavily and jeng jeng jeng….

Tetibe mengalir air mata berwarna hitam dan putih dari mata PJ.Rupanya PJ telah melukis lukisan mata di atas kelopak matanya dengan menggunakan cat air dan telah mengelirukan semua org seolah-olah dia sedang membuka mata.PJ sebenarnya sedang berlatih hikmat tersebut yg di pelajari dari ayah pin selama lebih 14 tahun.

V yang bengang teramat sangat telah memfire PJ dengan Hikmat Afro Titanium peringkat 6. Pengki then took me for a ride on V’s bicycle while V was bz main kejar2 dengan PJ around Taman Tasik Titiwangsa.

Sejak dari itu, PJ bersetuju untuk menghantar kami dengan teksinya ke mana-mana destinasi secara percuma termasuk ke Phuket dan Bandar Ho Chi Minh. Tamatlah riwayat basikal kaler pink V yang telah banyak berjasa kepada V.

Sekian.

BUAT BODOH

2005-08-15T20:45:00.000-07:00

Apa itu BUAT BODOH?
BUAT BODOH ialah pretend to be stupid.
Betul ke?
BUAT BODOH je lah.
Bila kita dikutuk.
BUAT BODOH je lah.
Bila kita dihentam.
BUAT BODOH je lah.
Bila kita dilanyak
BUAT BODOH je lah.
Bila kita dicemuh.
BUAT BODOH je lah.

Kita tidak akan menjadi lebih bodoh jika kita BUAT BODOH.
Orang yang mengutuk, menghentam, melanyak dan mencemuh kita tidak akan menjadi lebih pandai jika berterusan sebegitu.
Bahkan ia akan menjadi lebih bodoh jika berterusan memprovokasi orang yang BUAT BODOH.
Orang yang BUAT BODOH tidak akan menjadi bodoh jika berterusan BUAT BODOH.
Orang yang kononnya pandai akan nampak bodoh jika berterusan cuba berkomunikasi dengan orang yang BUAT BODOH.
Sebenarnya orang yang BUAT BODOH adalah orang yang bijak kerana dia tahu tidak guna bertelagah dengan orang yang kononnya pandai.
Orang yang kononnya pandai hanya tahu bercakap sahaja.
Mereka tidak tahu macam mana hendak BUAT BODOH, kerana mereka sememangnya bodoh.
Jadi.... lebih baik BUAT BODOH je lah.
Tak rugi BUAT BODOH.
Tak semua orang yang pandai BUAT BODOH.
Hanya yang si bijak saja yang pandai BUAT BODOH
Yang kononnya pandai akan diperbodohkan si bijak yang BUAT BODOH.
Kepada orang yang kononnya pandai tapi tak tahu BUAT BODOH.....
PERGI JAHANAM lah.

Mari kita bertokok (talk cock)!

2005-08-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

Di sini ada enam orang yang memang dah jahanam dah. Our mission: to tokok as much as we want, and to make as little sense as possible.

Here's how it all happened.

One day, I was walking in the city, when I saw this woman washing plates behind a restaurant. I asked her, "Would you like to contribute to a blog?"

She said, "HA?! Blog tu apa, cik abang oi?"

I picked up an ancient obelix that was lying near an unconscious hairstylist and hit her over the head. I christened her Jahanam Dua aka Kekure.

Then I saw a guy sitting on the back steps of a shophouse nearby. I shouted to him, "Hey brader, mari tolong gua angkat ini pompuan. Gua mau dia join gua punyer blog."

The guy looked at me blur-blur. He flicked away the cicak kubin he was smoking and came over the rainbow to help. He looked like a taxi driver who wouldn't use the meter. I christened him Jahanam Tiga aka Pergi Jahanam.

The three of us managed to get to Jalan Raja Chulan, where we saw this guy outside Nouvo Club chatting up a sexy toilet brush. Pergi Jahanam blew him a kiss and I christened him Jahanam Empat aka Pengki.

Pengki helped Pergi Jahanam carry Kekure, while I scouted for a jumping millipede and bought tickets for the LRT. On the train, I stepped on some guy's ear, and he exclaimed, "Kaninabu! Lu apahal?!" He was stroking for a cufflink and building a mystery. I painted his ear blue and christened him Jahanam Lima aka Sakti.

As the five of us were getting off the LRT, a crazy bugger fell from the sky. When he landed on a certified accountant, we thought he was Ayah Pin. Turned out he was ready to be christened Jahanam Enam aka Enambypamby.

Then we all went our separate ways, promising to meet up again in the blogosphere.

And here we are.

I am Jahanam Satu aka Le Visiteur.

This story is damn cock.